Connect! You’re Not Done Making Friends

Want Friends? Work it, Baby!

 Part of this text is taken from Hacking Life After 50 by James Sturtevant and Mark Barnes. But—please read on—it’s great advice for all of us at any age.

⚡︎ Essential Edge:   It’s time to connect!  “All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood.”  ~ David Brooks, How to Know a Person

Not-So-Wonderful Time of the Year

We ALL admit that life can be lonely.

But it hits many of us hardest during the holidays. And this is a Very Bad Thing. The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine’s report entitled, Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults equated social isolation’s health impact to standard villains of longevity such as smoking and obesity.

This is a sobering claim. It’s time to recognize that isolation, aside from being tragic, is also a threat to health.

And then there’s the whole issue of helping your students get through the same holidays, let alone everything you need to do at home as well as work.

Ugh, it’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year … but is it?

You can do this.

So … how do you not just survive but (possibly) enjoy these next five or six weeks?

Instead of listing how-to articles or sending you off to watch yet another Hallmark movie about someone who turned their life around (while saving the town and rescuing a puppy), we have a few suggestions.

Hopefully you find the motivation and the confidence to step out of your comfort zone and make the first move to get out there in your own time and in your own way. As awkward as it may seem to you, we encourage you to put yourself out there into the social interaction pool and start forging new relationships. Here are a few ideas:

Are You Looking At ME?

To bond with others, you need to be approachable. Have you ever evaluated your approachability? Do you broadcast a welcoming vibe? Would you feel comfortable meeting you? These are important questions, and adjustments in this realm could be instrumental in achieving a broader social network. Translate: if you’re yelling at the neighbor kids to get off your lawn, stop it.

Interact. 

Typically, when you pursue engagement, you realize the potential for new social interaction. And the folks you meet when engaged in an activity will probably be interested in the same things as you. You’ll automatically have important commonalities. This is an essential ingredient for any budding friendship. Consider joining an online group like MeetUp to find simpaticos in your area.

Chat with a stranger.

You may be reluctant to talk to people you don’t know. The idea of it might make you uncomfortable. Nothing deep or personal. Just get accustomed to smiling and saying Hi to people you don’t know.

You don’t even have to break stride. If you make eye contact with someone at the grocery, just smile and greet them and keep on trucking. Or, if you walk into a building in front of someone, hold the door for them, whether they are male or female, and invite them out of the elements.

These are short, low-stakes social excursions. What we love about doing this is that whether or not we get much back in return, chatting with strangers puts us in a better mood.

Facilitate. 

The wise saying, “If you want something done right—do it yourself,” certainly applies here. Your friends have needs. Your community has needs. This world has needs. Perhaps, you can help.

Here are a few ideas for your inner facilitator:

• Make a recurring lunch date with colleagues you used to work with. They probably miss you and each other.
•  Start a book club or a board game night with some folks you haven’t seen in a while. We know several friends who have done this, and they get a win/win: intellectual stimulation and camaraderie.
•  Launch a watch party. This could be for sporting events, favorite shows, or a new movie.

A single friend who lives alone in Chicago had been dreading the upcoming holidays. Family is far to the west and the south, and many local friends have family responsibilities. Instead of setting herself up for yet another lonely Thanksgiving and Christmas season, she decided to do something about it. Something brilliant, actually: she set up a series of MeetUp events for people who are looking for something to do over the holidays.

In one month of posting the events, over 70 (yes, seventy!) joined the group. She stated in her blog post “What Do You Do During the Christmas Season” that “I don’t start support groups or tapping circles or gratitude Meetups to help others. I do those things to make my life better. But apparently it’s impossible to create groups like that without helping others. Thus have I learned that I can’t avoid helping people if I keep reaching out when I’m struggling.”

Get to know the people you love better.

Journalist Jan Tuckwood quotes David Brooks, author of How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others and Being Deeply Seen, who admitted to being “a practiced escape artist. When other people revealed some vulnerable intimacy to me, I was good at meaningful eye contact with their shoes. I inwardly wanted to connect. I just didn’t know what to say.”

We all get that. How do you connect with your sister who is completely different from you (one of you was raised by wolves, the other not)? Or, God forbid, your young adult son and his bride who pretty much live in a completely world from you?

Tuckwood’s suggestion: Put down your fork at the next meal you share, stop talking about how delicious the pie is, and ask questions like:

• Who was your hero growing up?
• What movie or book transformed your life?
• Who is your favorite artist or piece of art? Why?
• What’s a great childhood memory for you?

Yeah, we thought it would be awkward, too. But we still plan to give it a try.

Treat yourself.

Indulging can be a well-earned reward. You don’t have to wait for someone to join you at the natural history museum, botanical garden, statehouse tour, or ballgame. Going solo is better than sitting at home. You might find that you enjoy these activities alone. You also might meet someone cool who’s there on their own as well.

Final Word 

Yep, all these steps take courage to try. But what have you got to lose? Remember that you’re never too old to make a new friend. You just might find someone to share a festive meal or libation over the holidays. Every bright moment is a good one.

Resources

• Blog post quote: “What Do You Do During the Christmas Season?” Chicana on the Edge
• Jan Tuckwood’s The Ethel article: “The 6 Things Older Women Should Do in 2024 to Thrive.”
• Image of friends in the snow by Image by Ana Krach from Pixabay
• Image of men friends at dinner by MAIRA ALI from Pixabay 

Click here to learn more with Hacking Life After 50.

You might be surprised at what you learn from a couple old guys!