Your teenager is a brat, and there's a Hack for that!

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The Problem

Parenting teenagers ... enough said!

No matter how highly you think of your teen, let's be honest, many (if not most) teenagers are irrational, impulsive, hyperactive, pretentious, self-centered, combative brats. Okay, that may be overstating; maybe they're not hyperactive.

Raising teenagers often feels like navigating an emotional minefield. Many parents struggle with common issues such as their teen’s unwillingness to listen, communicate, or understand the consequences of their actions.

Adolescents are at a critical stage where they are asserting independence, but their brains are still developing—specifically the prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making and impulse control.

This disconnect often results in misunderstandings, arguments, and frustration. Teens may also feel pressure from social media, academic expectations, and societal dangers like substance abuse or bullying. Parents, in turn, may feel ill-equipped to bridge the gap between enforcing rules and supporting their child’s emotional needs.

Let's be honest, most of the time when the brattiness crescendos, we rarely know what to do, and we react with corrections and consequences. And this simply doesn't work.

When you miss important moments, you pave the road to brattiness.

The Hack

Connect when you want to correct.

Effective parenting hinges on strengthening your relationship with your teenager. This may sound trite and even a bit ridiculous. However, research suggests that teens are more likely to respect boundaries and follow rules when they feel understood and valued. Building a foundation of trust opens the door to improved communication and mutual respect.

When brattiness becomes overwhelming, parents are too often quick to punish. Punitive approaches, such as grounding or taking away privileges, though, often fail to produce the desired behavioral changes in teenagers. These methods may lead to fear, resentment, and reluctance to admit mistakes, ultimately damaging the parent-teen relationship.

Instead of focusing solely on correcting behavior, try connecting with your teenager first. By showing empathy and validating their emotions, you can foster a safe space for honest conversations. This approach minimizes defensiveness and creates an opportunity to guide them toward healthier choices.

What you can do tomorrow

Employ the Do-Not-Respond Rule. Give your teens a chance to discuss an issue: let's say, curfew. Avoid jumping in with advice or criticism—sometimes they just need to feel heard. Try the Do-Not-Respond Rule. One party—your child—shares her feelings about curfew for a limited amount of time (maybe one minute). Now you—parent—wait at least a minute while reflecting on what your teen said before you share your thoughts. Also, this part of Do-Not-Respond should not be a pushback or criticism. It is, rather, you sharing your feelings about your teen's curfew. It may look like this:
- Child - "Curfew is stupid. I'm not a baby (more brattiness follows for the next 45 seconds)."
- Parent - "We think curfews are useful for all of us. They keep us accountable."
- Child - "My friends don't have to be home at 10."
- Parent - "I'm open to a discussion about changing the curfew for different occasions."
Validate Their Feelings. Acknowledge their emotions, even if you don’t agree with their perspective. Responses like, “I see why you feel that way,” or "I understand. I've been there" can help.
Set Clear but Flexible Boundaries. Establish rules with logical consequences, but allow room for negotiation on less critical matters to show you value their input. In the aforementioned example, the parent is willing to change curfew for various events.
Be Available for Daily Check-Ins. Spend a few minutes each day asking about your teen's day, interests, or concerns. This consistent connection builds trust over time. We're often too busy for simple engagement and may be dismissive of issues that we see as trivial. If your son is crestfallen because he didn't get invited to play basketball during lunch, stop everything and show genuine interest. Let him vent. Use the Do-Not-Respond Rule. Try not to immediately give advice, which is difficult. As parents, we tend to default to advising our teens. One key to connecting is intentional listening.
Educate Them About Risks Together. Instead of lecturing, collaborate on learning about societal dangers like substance abuse or online safety. Discuss real-life scenarios and their consequences. Ridiculing friends on social media, for example, is damaging to all involved. This is an invaluable conversation that teenagers will understand and appreciate over time.
Be Present. As obvious as this seems, it's easy to get caught up in life and miss important moments or events. Connecting with your teen about tough issues gets easier when she regularly sees you in the stands at her games, at the dinner table, and in the community. When you miss important moments, you pave the road to brattiness. While your first goal isn't to be your child's friend, when he sees you as a confidant, the tough conversations will be less contentious.

Try not to immediately give advice, which is difficult.

Final word

In the introduction to this post, we painted teenagers as brats. Truth is, the bratty teens likely see their parents as enemies rather than advocates. By prioritizing connection over correction and implementing the actionable strategies we've outlined, you'll build a healthier, more open relationship with your teen.

Small steps taken daily will lead to long-term improvements in trust, communication, and mutual respect. Your teens will continue to challenge you, but they won't be brats, and your life will become much less stressful.

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