"The best inheritance a parent can give to his children is a few minutes of his time each day."
- O. A. Battista, Canadian-American chemist and author
The Problem
Dealing with Adult Children is Complicated and (at times) Heartbreaking
The lifetime relationships with your kids can grow into fulfilling friendships as they become adults. And, whether you’re ready or not, it’s the next phase in their lives … and yours as well.
Still, being the parent of grown kids is not just complicated, it’s also a minefield of unresolved childhood issues, previous bad parenting mistakes, new boundaries, significant other complications and the Golden Era of Grandparenthood.
One of the toughest issues may seem trivial to the adult kids facing life's daunting hurdles but not to the parent involved.
It’s Apathy with a capital A.
What do you do when your grown kids don’t make the effort to return texts or phone calls? Don’t send a gift (or even a card) for, say, Christmas or Mother’s Day? How do you handle it when they won’t drive a few hours to see you but you find out they travel across the world for vacation?
Is it a Millennial thing?
A male thing? A female thing?
Or are your kids just horribly self-centered?
And what can you do to resolve this not-so-trivial issue?
The Hack
Reflect, Reach Out, Respect
As parents, we tend to catastrophize, believing a seemingly aloof child has completely lost interest in us. In most cases this is not true.
When your adult children don't answer texts or phone calls, it's important to give them space, consider if there might be a reason behind their lack of communication, and reach out with a casual, non-demanding message to see if they're willing to talk.
If the issue persists, you can try to initiate a calm conversation to understand their perspective and potentially address any underlying issues, but ultimately you must respect their boundaries and focus on your own well-being.
What You Can Do Tomorrow
-
Reflect on the situation: What's going on in your child's life? Are there grandchildren involved who require your daughter's undivided attention? Is your son's work presenting challenges that keep him busy most of every day? Do they have domestic issues that perhaps you don't understand? Any or all of these might send a normally attentive son or daughter into a chasm of silence. Understanding this will improve your own communication efforts.
- Evaluate your communication style: Have you been overly demanding or critical in recent interactions? Consider this objectively or ask a friend or your spouse to assess your communication from a third-party lens. It's difficult for people to admit that they are short or even abrasive when connecting with others. Be honest with yourself and think of ways to take a kinder approach when speaking to your adult child.
-
Check your expectations: Understand that adult kids may not always be readily available to talk and their communication patterns might differ from yours. If they say, "I'm busy this week," try not to push back. Instead, politely offer options for getting together or chatting on the phone. "Okay, I understand. Can I call you next Monday or Thursday night?" When you get a positive response, ask them to put it on the calendar.
-
Reach out casually: If your son isn't answering his phone, try sending a simple text or voicemail: something like, "Just checking in. I was thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. When you have 20 seconds, shoot me a quick reply." Giving a specific, very short time for the message makes your request difficult to ignore. Who doesn't have 20 seconds to spare?
-
Avoid accusatory or sarcastic language: Don't assume the worst or try to guilt them into responding and avoid statements like, "I had to check in, since I never hear from you."
Maintaining sound relationships with adult children is a crucial part of your overall health and well-being.
-
Express your concerns gently: "I've noticed you haven't been answering calls lately, and I wanted to make sure everything is okay. Is there anything I can help with?"
-
Listen actively: Let them share their perspective without interrupting. It's human nature when someone is telling us something to start formulating our response while the person is talking. Instead, listen actively, hearing your child's words rather than thinking about how you'll reply.
-
Seek support if needed: When all else fails, you may want to ask another child, your spouse, or your son's or daughter's close friend to intervene. A nudge from a trusted person often breaks down barriers.
- Consider professional help: If you feel significantly impacted by the lack of communication, a therapist can provide guidance.
Final Word
Important points to remember.
-
Adult children are independent individuals: Respect their right to manage their own lives and communication styles.
-
Focus on your own well-being: Don't let their lack of communication consume you.
-
Avoid making assumptions: If you're concerned about something specific, try to address it directly and calmly.
Maintaining sound relationships with adult children is a crucial part of your overall health and well-being. This is a connection that brings purpose and joy to parents. No matter how challenging the relationship seems, nurturing it provides rewards that last a lifetime.
Leave a comment
|
Resources
Main post image by Polina Tankilevitch via Pexels
Read more Sunday Morning Hacks
|
|
 |
||||||
|
Responses